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Episode 19 - The Real Happy Hour: The Musical

by Kurt Johnson

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Welcome To The Show Hello, hello And welcome to the show It's the funniest show that you'd ever want to know Sit back and drink and we might make you think that you'd like another drink At first there was Kurt And then there was Eggs And then there was Es Hey everybody come on It's time for the show Hey Everybody Hey everybody do you feel alright Got your head on tight It's a beautiful night Come on can you feel it it's up in the air I can see it there It's a beautiful thing that we share It's time to fill it up Pour a glass 'cause you know you can drink with us You can drink with us Gin's in the freezer and the lime is ripe Get the mixture right It's a beautiful sight Estry's got a bottle and a long stemmed glass You can't see her ass but it's nice It's time to fill it up Pour a glass 'cause you know you can drink with us Eggs' Apology I would like to apologize for things that I said The hockey we talked about last week is not played on ice It's field hockey We're not very bright And a swim bladder in a fish does not hold piss (it holds air) Sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry Wish I'd never said it I was drunk Estry's Apology Although it's rarely the case I think I need to save some face I offer this expression of remorse I know it made the guys ill at ease Though it aint like we were talking disease but closer to the birds and bees of course Although it made a connection you may have taken exception My tale of hunting female protection was awkward Kurt's Apology The bits I used as teasers at the start of the show They weren't in the show except for one (the bit where eggs said he'd swim and take a shit in their face) I gave out information that I shouldn't have But I can't tell you what it was 'cause then you'd know And I'm so sorry about it I wish that I'd never said it I was drunk Make The Drink Are you ready It's time to make the drink I'm ready Tonight we pour a Gimlet A small tool used for drilling holes No Yes it is We said a drink Aw you're tricky now That would be quite dumb To make a Gimlet fill a shaker with ice and add one part Rose's sweetened lime juice four parts Gin Shake strain into a martini glass and garnish with a lime You can drink with us The Toast Get ready for the toast to the one who means the most Now we'll choose the people for the heads on the three headed coin When the flipping is done some lucky one will step into the club that we all want to join Can't wait to see who it will be the new The Real Happy Hour toastee It's time for a toast Who means the most The new The Real Happy Hour toastee Eggs picks a messiah (Jesus) Estry picks a friend to us all (Metallica) Kurt singles out a pariah (any fucking politician at all) Now flip the coin see how luck will fall Congratulations Metallica Now we can see who it will be The new The Real Happy Hour toastee It's time for a toast Who means the most Metallica The Real Happy Hour toastee Do You Hear Crickets You know, sometimes I get a bad rap Do you know what I mean With tuna through a straw and crickets in my craw I'm never understood too easily If you consider who it is I'm talking to It's amazing that I take it so breezily Do you hear crickets We're stuck in conversational thickets Do you hear crickets Or is it my companion prickets I'm happy that my brain doesn't operate the same as these two aberrations of humanity But everybody knows just a part of the show Kurt and Eggs are sensitive intelligent- No I didn't write this (I thought I took it out) Whatever Do you hear crickets We're stuck in conversational thickets Do you hear crickets Or is it my companion prickets Kurt Do You Have To Aww bad words It's raining pricks and motherfuckers assholes cunts and pecker suckers words are only images that say the things you mean cover up your ears so all you hear is what you fear and is it any wonder dear you don't hear anything serene Kurt do you have to swear so much Kurt do you have to Yes Sorry to piss in your ear like this Fuck What is it (Bbbbbbbullshit) Right Very suspicious of people who won't let you hear them swear My fellow fucking Americans Now that would be a politician I could trust Show me somethin' real motherfucker Ok for those of you just gettin' started here we go again Fair warning You can brace yourself 3D fucking jesus of infinite plasticity vulgarity is full of love perform it with felicity it isn't any different than the what you is the is I am don't fucking be offended by the shitty words you can't abide they're up the ass of all that is you cannot fucking hide Kurt do you have to swear so much Kurt do you have to Yes Black Ops Sports Report They’re gonna book a flight to Malawi You know they’ll seek immediate custody Then they’ll get their picture in the paper When movie stars decide that it's ok to steal babies Why must they always fly across the ocean Just drive across the town to East L.A. Since when did we start to import orphans When there’s plenty Made In The USA Them babies gonna grow up to be big stars Startin’ for the Hollywood High School B ball team (nobody plays soccer in the States) Makin’ out with an Olsen twin in a big car When movie stars decide that it's ok to steal babies Why must we fly across the oceans When we could drive a couple miles to East L.A. Since when do we have to import orphans At the Neverland Ranch they're on sale today Amazing Stories of Spontaneous Human Combustion Narrator: For more than 300 years reports of Spontaneous Human Combustion have littered the history that leaves it’s trail upon our planet. Historic evidence of SHC first appeared in 1673, when Frenchman Jonas Dupont published a collection of cases entitled De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis. Dupont was inspired to write this book after finding records of the Nicole Millet case, in which a man was acquitted of the murder of his wife when the court became convinced that she had been killed by Spontaneous Human Combustion. Squire Lockley: Alright men, I've decided to give you all the day off, while I goes and gets my pecker fixed. Men: Yeah! (sounding like kids for some reason) Mr. Millet: The rest of the day off. Why that's brilliant's what that is. I think I'll go home, and have the wife boil me up some nice cabbage. Life is good. Song: Cabbages and Coal Mines Who could ask for more, than cabbages and coal mines, we always have a fine time, working for the Lord. Life is so complete, with cabbages and coal mines, better than a fine wine. Who needs all that meat? Mr. Millet: Just thinking about me wife. All alone. Making me cabbage. Nicole Millet: Song: Cabbages and Coal Mines There must be something more, than cabbages and coal mines, cholera and ptomaine (mis-pronounced) fire and dirt floors. What can life be for, when cabbages and coal mines seem like such a fine time I need more. Oh Tolevson, you've been my lifesaver. Wait.... I hear my husband coming. Quick! Hide in here! Sndfx: A door closes. Mr. Millet: Song: Boil Them Cabbage Down Boys Boil them cabbage down boys, boil them cabbage down. Sndfx: A door opens and closes. Mr. Millet: Hello wife, it's me, I'm home. Nicole Millet: Oh hi honey, I didn't expect you home from work so soon. Mr. Millet: Yes well Squire Lockley sent us all off. Afraid we'd clean out his stores while he was out getting his pecker fixed. Nicole Millet: Oh well great. Here, have a seat at the table whilst I boil you some cabbage. Mr. Millet: No thanks dear, I think I'll go get me gun out of the closet and go out and shoot a squirrel that we can eat with the cabbage. Nicole Millet: Dear, your guns not in the closet. Tolevson came over this morning and borrowed it after you left. Mr. Millet: Tolevson? Tolevson's over at the Hensley's visiting his mistress. Haha, no. I'll just get me gun and... Nicole Millet: No! Don't open the door! Sndfx: The sound of someone bursting into flame. Nicole Millet: Dear, I have something to tell you. Curtain Call Once again we've come to this place. The shaker's empty and the memories erased. If I could I'd make it so you'd know. No matter where you are, you'll never drink alone.



1 Part Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice
4 Parts Gin

In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine ingredients and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a slice of lime.


released March 20, 2016


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Kurt Johnson Low Point, Illinois

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