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Episode 19 - The Real Happy Hour: The Musical

from Episode 19 - The Real Happy Hour: The Musical by Kurt Johnson



Welcome To The Show

Hello, hello
And welcome to the show
It's the funniest show
that you'd ever want to know
Sit back and drink
and we might make you think
that you'd like another drink

At first there was Kurt
And then there was Eggs
And then there was Es
Hey everybody come on
It's time for the show

Hey Everybody

Hey everybody do you feel alright
Got your head on tight
It's a beautiful night
Come on can you feel it
it's up in the air
I can see it there
It's a beautiful thing that we share

It's time to fill it up
Pour a glass 'cause you know you can drink with us
You can drink with us

Gin's in the freezer
and the lime is ripe
Get the mixture right
It's a beautiful sight
Estry's got a bottle and a long stemmed glass
You can't see her ass
but it's nice

It's time to fill it up
Pour a glass 'cause you know you can drink with us

Eggs' Apology

I would like to apologize
for things that I said
The hockey we talked about last week
is not played on ice

It's field hockey
We're not very bright
And a swim bladder in a fish
does not hold piss
(it holds air)

Sorry sorry sorry
I'm sorry
Wish I'd never said it
I was drunk

Estry's Apology

Although it's rarely the case
I think I need to save some face
I offer this expression of remorse

I know it made the guys ill at ease
Though it aint like we were talking disease
but closer to the birds and bees of course

Although it made a connection
you may have taken exception
My tale of hunting female protection
was awkward

Kurt's Apology

The bits I used as teasers at the start of the show
They weren't in the show except for one
(the bit where eggs said he'd swim and take a shit in their face)

I gave out information that I shouldn't have
But I can't tell you what it was
'cause then you'd know

And I'm so sorry about it
I wish that I'd never said it
I was drunk

Make The Drink

Are you ready
It's time to make the drink
I'm ready
Tonight we pour a Gimlet
A small tool used for drilling holes
Yes it is
We said a drink
Aw you're tricky now
That would be quite dumb

To make a Gimlet fill a shaker with ice
and add one part Rose's sweetened lime juice
four parts Gin
Shake strain into a martini glass
and garnish with a lime

You can drink with us

The Toast

Get ready for the toast
to the one who means the most

Now we'll choose the people
for the heads on the three headed coin
When the flipping is done
some lucky one
will step into the club that we all
want to join

Can't wait to see who it will be
the new The Real Happy Hour toastee
It's time for a toast
Who means the most
The new The Real Happy Hour toastee

Eggs picks a messiah (Jesus)
Estry picks a friend to us all (Metallica)
Kurt singles out a pariah (any fucking politician at all)
Now flip the coin
see how luck will fall
Congratulations Metallica

Now we can see who it will be
The new The Real Happy Hour toastee
It's time for a toast
Who means the most
Metallica The Real Happy Hour toastee

Do You Hear Crickets

You know, sometimes I get a bad rap
Do you know what I mean

With tuna through a straw
and crickets in my craw
I'm never understood too easily

If you consider who
it is I'm talking to
It's amazing that I take it so breezily

Do you hear crickets
We're stuck in conversational thickets
Do you hear crickets
Or is it my companion prickets

I'm happy that my brain
doesn't operate the same
as these two aberrations of humanity
But everybody knows
just a part of the show
Kurt and Eggs are sensitive intelligent- No
I didn't write this
(I thought I took it out) Whatever

Do you hear crickets
We're stuck in conversational thickets
Do you hear crickets
Or is it my companion prickets

Kurt Do You Have To

Aww bad words

It's raining pricks and motherfuckers assholes cunts and pecker suckers
words are only images that say the things you mean

cover up your ears so all you hear
is what you fear and is it any wonder dear you don't hear anything serene

Kurt do you have to swear so much
Kurt do you have to

Sorry to piss in your ear like this
What is it

Very suspicious of people who won't let you
hear them swear
My fellow fucking Americans
Now that would be a politician I could trust
Show me somethin' real motherfucker

Ok for those of you just gettin' started
here we go again
Fair warning
You can brace yourself

3D fucking jesus of
infinite plasticity
vulgarity is full of love
perform it with felicity
it isn't any different than
the what you is the is I am

don't fucking be offended by
the shitty words you can't abide
they're up the ass of all that is
you cannot fucking hide

Kurt do you have to swear so much
Kurt do you have to

Black Ops Sports Report

They’re gonna book a flight to Malawi
You know they’ll seek immediate custody
Then they’ll get their picture in the paper
When movie stars decide that it's ok to steal babies

Why must they always fly across the ocean
Just drive across the town to East L.A.
Since when did we start to import orphans
When there’s plenty Made In The USA

Them babies gonna grow up to be big stars
Startin’ for the Hollywood High School
B ball team (nobody plays soccer in the States)
Makin’ out with an Olsen twin in a big car
When movie stars decide that it's ok to steal babies

Why must we fly across the oceans
When we could drive a couple miles to East L.A.
Since when do we have to import orphans
At the Neverland Ranch they're on sale today

Amazing Stories of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Narrator: For more than 300 years reports of Spontaneous Human Combustion have littered the history that leaves it’s trail upon our planet. Historic evidence of SHC first appeared in 1673, when Frenchman Jonas Dupont published a collection of cases entitled De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis. Dupont was inspired to write this book after finding records of the Nicole Millet case, in which a man was acquitted of the murder of his wife when the court became convinced that she had been killed by Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Squire Lockley: Alright men, I've decided to give you all the day off, while I goes and gets my pecker fixed.

Men: Yeah! (sounding like kids for some reason)

Mr. Millet: The rest of the day off. Why that's brilliant's what that is. I think I'll go home, and have the wife boil me up some nice cabbage. Life is good.

Song: Cabbages and Coal Mines

Who could ask for more, than cabbages and coal mines,
we always have a fine time, working for the Lord.
Life is so complete, with cabbages and coal mines,
better than a fine wine. Who needs all that meat?

Mr. Millet: Just thinking about me wife. All alone. Making me cabbage.

Nicole Millet:

Song: Cabbages and Coal Mines

There must be something more,
than cabbages and coal mines,
cholera and ptomaine (mis-pronounced)
fire and dirt floors.

What can life be for,
when cabbages and coal mines
seem like such a fine time
I need more.

Oh Tolevson, you've been my lifesaver. Wait.... I hear my husband coming. Quick! Hide in here!

Sndfx: A door closes.

Mr. Millet:

Song: Boil Them Cabbage Down Boys

Boil them cabbage down boys, boil them cabbage down.

Sndfx: A door opens and closes.

Mr. Millet: Hello wife, it's me, I'm home.

Nicole Millet: Oh hi honey, I didn't expect you home from work so soon.

Mr. Millet: Yes well Squire Lockley sent us all off. Afraid we'd clean out his stores while he was out getting his pecker fixed.

Nicole Millet: Oh well great. Here, have a seat at the table whilst I boil you some cabbage.

Mr. Millet: No thanks dear, I think I'll go get me gun out of the closet and go out and shoot a squirrel that we can eat with the cabbage.

Nicole Millet: Dear, your guns not in the closet. Tolevson came over this morning and borrowed it after you left.

Mr. Millet: Tolevson? Tolevson's over at the Hensley's visiting his mistress. Haha, no. I'll just get me gun and...

Nicole Millet: No! Don't open the door!

Sndfx: The sound of someone bursting into flame.

Nicole Millet: Dear, I have something to tell you.

Curtain Call

Once again we've come to this place.
The shaker's empty and the memories erased.
If I could I'd make it so you'd know.
No matter where you are, you'll never drink alone.


from Episode 19 - The Real Happy Hour: The Musical, released March 20, 2016


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